The GIRry Horror Picture Show
by Lady Jeweleyes
Summary: A RHPS/Invader Zim crossover. GIR is shipped to Frank-n-Furter by accident, and mayhem ensues...
1. Chapter one: The Mistake is Made

The GIRry Horror Picture Show  
  
Riff-Raff sighed as he halfheartedly pushed the mop across the floor of the laboratory. "Too much damned work", the thin, pale man growled to himself. He bent to retrieve a soiled rag, licking his thin lips. His body cried out for a rest and a good bottle of wine, which he had grown to love so much. Riff bared his teeth and spat at the side of the tank which contained the beginnings of Frank's projects. Behind him, someone laughed, low and husky. Magenta entered the room, a duster hanging from her carefully polished fingertips. Riff dropped the mop with a loud clatter, and embraced his sister, passionately kissing the side of her neck. "No", Magenta sighed regretfully and pushed Riff away "there's still much housework to be done, the master will be upset." "To hell with Frank-N-Furter." Riff snarled, "He lives a perpetual life of indulgence, while we are treated like dog shit. We need another helper around here." Riff smiled, and touched Magenta's cheek "Besides, doesn't my beautiful sister deserve more rest and relaxation?" With surprising quickness, he pulled down the top of Magenta's blouse and kissed the hollow between her breasts." Magenta sighed and stroked Riff's lank hair. "Very well, we shall ask."  
  
Dr. Frank-N-Furter eyed Riff's back with detached wariness, his servant was up to something, but what? Lately, Riff had been more of a brown-noser than ever, slinking around Frank like a beaten dog. Shifting in his chair, Frank toyed with a fork from the dinner table, thinking. Magenta approached the table, wearing a sickly smile, and dropped a rather inedible looking piece of meat on Frank's plate. Riff poured a measure of white wine into a goblet at Frank's elbow, and stood baring his teeth in a rather poor approximation of a smile. With his hunched shoulders and shifty eyes, Frank thought Riff looked rather like a hyena. Riff sighed, and then spoke in a respectful tone. "Master, Magenta and I would humbly like to make a simple request." Frank waved his hand, arching a plucked eyebrow "Out with it, and be lucky I'm in a good mood." Riff opened his mouth, but Magenta blurted "We need more cleaning help!" Riff glared at Magenta, as Frank took a small sip of the wine and considered. Frank smiled, "Ordinarily I would say no, but as you know, I have a little. obsession I could use some help with. Very well, I will send a request off to those in power on Transsexual."  
  
The delivery boy pounded loudly on the door, ignoring the doorbell. Riff groaned as he slowly descended the stairs, clutching at his roiling guts, regretting all the gin and candy he had consumed last night. Eddie grinned vacantly as Riff opened the door "Got a package for ya, Riffy!" Riff could smell the marijuana smoke on Eddie's leather jacket; the boy was stoned out of his mind, as per usual. Eddie grunted as he lifted the wooden crate over the doorframe, and shoved it inside. The writing on the label was cryptic; the only words Riff could make out were 'Invd. Zim.' A redheaded young woman dashed down the stairs past Riff, into Eddie's arms, showering him with affectionate kisses. Eddie laughed and pinched Columbia's butt. "Whoa, ease up baby; I gotta get this crate open." Columbia sighed and pouted girlishly. With a crowbar, Eddie attacked the crate's top, splintering the wood. Inside the crate, something squeaked and rattled in response. Riff braced himself as the last nails came loose from the crate, he had no idea whatsoever what was in the box, and knowing Frank's interests and ideas, it could be damn near anything. With a crash, the lid fell off, and a pair of greenish glowing eyes could be seen in the gloom. "Oooohhhh!" the thing sang, hauling itself up with a metallic rattling. Riff blinked in disbelief, a small robot stood in front of him, smiling, and humming vaguely. "Ya gots taquitos?" it inquired in a high pitched voice.. 


	2. Chapter two: Confusion and Annoyance

"I cannot believe this." Frank studied the letter, brows furrowed, utter confusion in his voice. "'My great, almighty, revered Tallest'" he read out loud "'I have now been on this wretched mud-ball of a planet for six months, and I feel that I have done much to advance Operation Impending Doom 2. However, my quest for enslavement of these pathetic worm-babies has hit two major hitches. Number one: this SIR unit (GIR, as he likes to be called) has become increasingly unproductive, and constantly makes strange requests for massive amounts of horrible, horrible meat-products! THEY BURN!! Number two: A large-headed Earth cretin-child by the moniker of "Dib" is constantly trying to undo all my glorious plans to enslave humanity. Please send battle tanks, missiles, and what ever you might have lying around in return for the SIR unit. I will not fail you, my Tallest. Signed: Mighty Irkan Invader Zim. P.S. Send snacks." Riff placed his hands in front of is mouth, trying to seal in the gleeful sniggers. Like everyone else, he wasn't sure how the strange little robot had ended up at their doorstep, but he thoroughly enjoyed Frank's exasperated befuddlement. Frank rubbed at the corner of one heavily made-up eye "I think I heard of the Irkan race once, not one of the finer species of the known galaxy. They're total fu." Frank's thought was interrupted by a loud crash behind him in the foyer. GIR had somehow climbed up on a stuffed panther, and had knocked it sideways into a Ming vase. "Stop that!" Frank raged, and took off one platform shoe, which he threw at the robot with deadly accuracy. GIR fell head first onto the floor, and giggled helplessly "Imma po-tat-o bandit!" "You broke the poor thing!" Columbia gaped at Frank, horrified. Frank rolled his eyes "Have some sense, Columbia. The damnable thing was already defective before we acquired it." Columbia picked up GIR and hugged him "Well, I think he's cute!" "Even if it's eating your vest?" Magenta pointed to the shredded piece of material in GIR's mouth, and to Columbia's exposed left breast. Columbia gasped and dropped the robot, which once again landed on his head. Frank turned to Magenta and Riff-Raff, sneering. "Since you two are the ones who whined for extra help, and got us stuck with this malfunctioning piece of scrap metal, this GIR robot is now in your supervision. See that he does not get in my way, or punishments will be very severe." Frank turned on his heel and strode out of the room, grabbing Columbia's wrist "Come. We have.ah. work to do." Magenta groaned and kicked at GIR, her toes connecting painfully with the robot's metal posterior. "This is entirely your fault!" she snarled at Riff. "You're the lazy bastard who was mewling about 'too much work.' See the mess we're in now?!" "You supported the idea, you dim-witted bitch!" Riff shot back, bristling. "Fuck you!" Magenta screamed, and stormed up the stairs to the second story. Riff closed his eyes, his temples throbbing 'Go AWAY! He thought savagely at GIR, 'Just go away!' No such luck. GIR was still there, rocking back and forth and smiling sedately. "Come with me." Riff said sourly, and started for the estate's back yard. For once, GIR obeyed the command, and clanked alongside Riff. "Wanna see inside my head?" the robot inquired. "No!" Riff snapped. "Oookaayy!" GIR reached up and neatly removed the metal plate that was the top portion of his head. "See?" Against his better judgment, Riff looked down. The robot's interior seemed to be made up of bent paperclips, crumpled pieces of paper, and other assorted bits of refuse. "I thought robots were supposed to be filled with advanced machinery." Riff commented. GIR shook his head, looked confused and then nodded. "I 'unno. I wants to be filled with booty TACOS!!" "Shut up, will you?" Riff swung open the entrance to the rear lawn. Hearing the creaking of the door, three huge German Shepherds surged out of rickety dog houses, barking furiously, pulling against heavy lengths of chain. "SHUT UP!" Riff bellowed at the guard dogs, throwing a rock in their general direction. Turning to GIR, he smiled maliciously and pointed at the ground "Go out there, and trim the grass, one blade at a time. Also, remove all the pebbles and leaves you find. Get out there, NOW!" GIR saluted briskly, his eyes turning red "As you say, my master." A second later, they had turned back to their greenish shade, and GIR laughed insanely as he pointed to a rodent climbing the edge of the fence. "Lookit the squirrel!" Riff grunted as he picked up the robot and heaved him into the guard dogs' midst "Good riddance, pest." He laughed as he turned and bolted the door. Mentally congratulating himself, Riff turned and made for the wine cellar. 


	3. The Most Moronic Assignment

'There must be some weird Murphy's Law about this.' Dib thought as he slouched at his desk, watching the clock, willing the minute hand to move faster. 'Bored student + stifling learning environment = the total halt of time and space itself.' Somewhere behind her desk, Ms. Bitters was droning on about the Civil War (most likely she had seen it firsthand), but nobody was even bothering to listen, some students held pencils in their limp hands, staring into thin air and drooling. Some were facedown on their desks, gnats beginning to circle their heads. Over in the corner, Zim was drumming his fingers rapidly on his desk, staring intently at the classroom door, and twitching periodically. Dib narrowed his eyes, stealing sideways glances at his foe. The little alien creep was up to something, all right, but what? Dib gritted his teeth until his jaw hurt, "You cannot win, Zim. Sooner or later, I will have you on the autopsy table." Dib muttered to himself. Suddenly, making everyone jump, the SKOOL bell rang. Children surged up from their desks, reanimated by freedom. "HOLD IT!" Ms. Bitters grated. "I have a special assignment. Each student must bring in their pet tomorrow, or be DOOMED to fail!" Dib frowned "What if we don't have a pet?" "Bring one in anyway!" Ms. Bitters snapped. "Whatever." Dib bounded out of the classroom, intent on tailing Zim. Instead, he was met by a purple-haired girl who swung a powerful uppercut right into Dib's stomach. Dib crumpled to his knees, trying not to vomit. "Wha-what was that *cough* for?" he asked his sister. Gaz glared at her brother. "I had peanut butter for lunch." She snarled. "So?" Dib painfully got to his feet. "I HATE peanut butter." "You hate a lot of things." "Don't speak to me."  
  
Frank awoke slowly out of a doze, stretching, he savored the sensation of the silk bed sheets sliding against his naked flesh. Frank stared into the darkness, he had been dreaming, but of what? Ah yes, his project, his obsession. Rocky, his Adonis made reality. Oh, he would be magnificent, beautiful, all rippling muscles and smooth, tanned skin. Thinking about Rocky stirred the insatiable fire in Frank's lions. He rolled over, reaching. Until he had Rocky, Columbia would have to do. Instead of touching Columbia's warm body, Frank's fingers encountered something hard and cold. Greenish lights appeared in the gloom "Heellooo!" GIR chirped. Frank gasped and leapt from the bed as if it was on fire. On the other side of GIR, Columbia jolted into consciousness and shrieked. GIR was somewhat the worse for wear, having several fang indentations in his metal exterior, and what looked to be dog poop on his antenna, but as always, smiling. With a savage twist of his wrist, Frank turned the buttons of his monitor, wavy lines hissing across the screen, and then presenting a multi-sectioned view of all the mansion's rooms. Riff-Raff was passed out on the floor of the wine cellar, and Magenta was lazing on a couch in the Zen room, smoking a narrow cigarette and flipping through a fashion magazine. Grinding his teeth in barely suppressed rage, Frank hastily donned a nightie, and grabbed a leather whip from a hook on the wall. GIR was by now bouncing on the bed as hard as he possibly could, and Columbia was cowering in a corner. With an earsplitting crash, the bed folded in on itself, one of the bedposts catching Columbia a glancing blow and stunning her. Frank bolted from the room "RIFF-RAFF!" he roared, pounding down the cellar steps. Swish-crack! Riff regained consciousness as the lash hit his tender back. Gasping, he scrambled backwards, panicking as he saw the expression on his master's face. "No, please, don't! Nooooo!" "Imbecile, crook-backed whoreson!" A crack of the whip underscored each word as Frank vented his ire. Shaking, Riff curled his knees to his chest and yelped every time the lash scored a mark. By now, Magenta had rushed into the cellars, and was feebly pulling at Frank's arm. Frank snarled and pushed her sideways into a stack of empty kegs. "Completely useless, the both of you!" Frank spit on Riff's prone form and turned on his heel. Magenta bent down and shook her brother's arm. "Hey, are you all right?" Riff shakily climbed to his feet, rubbed his back, and stared at the blood on his hand. "Y-yeah, I think so." Tenderly, Magenta peeled Riff's coat off and used his handkerchief to clean the wounds. Riff smiled tenderly and took his sister's face in his hands. "Thank you." Magenta smiled back and slid her tongue between his lips. Riff's whimpers of pain turned to moans of ecstasy as he relaxed into Magenta's arms and gave himself to her. "Yeah, take that! Hah!" Gaz jerked around frantically on the couch as her fingers flew in a blur over the game's controls." Dib was pacing up and down in front of the TV, grumbling to himself about the injustice of Ms. Bitter's assignment. "Of all the trivial, uninspired.." "Hey, shut up!" Gaz paused her game and glared at Dib "You're making me lose my concentration!"  
  
Dib sighed "Gaz, you could play that thing in the middle of a nuclear winter. How I can I possibly." Suddenly, a thought a occurred to him. "Hey, you don't have a bird or a hamster or something, do you?" "I have a fish." Gaz hissed. "Could I borrow it for a day?" Gaz rolled her eyes "No. What makes you think I would even consider lending you my fish?" Dib groaned under his breath "Perhaps we could strike a deal?" "NO." Hastily, Dib pulled a few greenbacks out of his pocket and counted them. Just enough to bribe Gaz with her ultimate weakness. "What if I get a pizza from Bloaty's Pizza Hog?" Gaz licked her lips. "Deal, but I want extra everything on it." "Great!" Dib said "Where's the fish?" "Not so fast." Gaz grabbed her brother's collar "You have to stand to attention and watch me eat every single piece, and hold my drink." Dib cursed under his breath. No school assignment in the world was worth this kind of torture! An agonizing hour later, Gaz burped loudly and flicked a pizza crust at Dib. "All right, come to my room, but don't touch anything!" Hesitantly, Dib followed Gaz into her room, which vaguely resembled the 5th level of Hell." Gaz shoved a pile of clothing off a much abused desk and revealed a dusty, cobwebbed fishbowl. For the second time that day, Dib tried not to puke. The water was an unhealthy brownish-green, and a rotting orange something floated at the top, giving off a foul odor. "This is Stinky." Gaz shoved the bowl into Dib's arms, sloshing water on his shirt. "B-but, he's DEAD!" Dib gasped. "I know that, idiot. You only asked me if I had a pet. The answer is yes. Now get the hell out of my room!" Dib groaned, as the door slammed behind him. "You bitch." He muttered under his breath. He was going to be the laughingstock of the entire classroom! 


End file.
